Audition - Trying to Please Everyone Else

Be honest with yourself, what do you do when friends, co-workers, or relatives tell you what you should or should not do about your life, health, career, relationships, etc? Do you immediately move to action to change what others say you should change? How does what others think about you affect your life? What happens to you that you immediately feel like you must work on what someone else pointed out in your life?

I believe this act of wanting to please others affects all of us in some way. However, it affects many in a great way. Have you ever auditioned for a part in a play? Did you ever try out for the football or volleyball team at school? We endeavored to play the part well so the director would be pleased with our performance and give us the part. We worked so hard to please the coach in hopes that we might have a spot on the team. When we were teenagers we were pressured by our friends to do certain things we knew were not right. Since we wanted to keep our friends we would do those things to please them. We view American Idol to watch as young people audition before the judges and the nation to try to become the next American Idol. We step into our adult years where we have a career and we perform for the boss, so he/she will be pleased with us.

Life itself can feel like just one big audition. We step on stage of life where all the lights are blaring in our face. The audience sits back to watch our performance. Suddenly, we begin to perform for them. Who are you performing and auditioning for? Who can tell you to jump and you jump and keep jumping until they tell you to stop? Who are you trying to please to the extent that whatever they tell you to do or change you hop right to it?

Life should not be an audition. We are not trying out all the time. What happened to a person having their own identity? Why are we working so hard to become like everyone else when we are a unique individual personality? If you are moderately or constantly changing something in your life because someone said you should, then you are basically not in control of the decisions you make. You are allowing others to make decisions for you because of your strong desire to be pleasing, approved, accepted, and praised in their sight.

Sure, there are people we should look up to and glean from. There are people who should influence our life and give us advice. It is not so much others that are the problem as it is you desiring them to be pleased with your performance. I will give you an example. A woman goes to the mall to shop for a dress for a special occasion. She spends a few hours going from store to store and trying on dress after dress and finally she finds one she likes. She likes the color, style, and it fits great on her. Well, when she gets home and models it for her friends she finds they are not as favorable of the dress as she is. What would you do? Do you return the dress based on their comments or do you keep it because you really like it? If you really want to please your friends, you would return the dress back to the store. However, if you are your own person, unique and different, you would rip the price tag off and wear the dress for the special occasion.

You have to ask yourself “what do you want to accomplish in your life” and not “what do others want you to accomplish”. Change something in your life because you believe it’s the right thing to do for you and not for anyone and everyone else. How comfortable are you with your weight? How comfortable are you with your career? How comfortable are you with your life right now? Change your life because you want to change it and not because you would be pleasing others if you did. True friends will love you for who you are and not because you are not pleasing them. Living your life for others is nothing but a life full of frustration. It is a constant struggle. The balance would be to allow people to have input and influence in your life without controlling your every move. When I am trying hard to please others, they control my every move. You be in control of your life. You are not auditioning for a part in the play called “Life”. You are in the play.

Josh Perez is a Personal and Professional Coach helping individuals set and achieve goals, make life changes, overcome procrastination, thought patterns, obstacles; discover life purpose, get out of a rut, and move forward. Visit www.morphcoaching.com for more information about personal and professional coaching.

Tune In

Give the Gift of Listening

Think of a time you were conversing with someone. As you talked with them you noticed the lights were on, but nobody was home. You may say they were in la la land or daydreaming. When was the last time you got the blank stare from someone? We have all probably experienced chatting with a friend or having a discussion with our spouse only to realize they are off in another world. We may ask, “Did you hear me”? They quickly respond with, “Huh, yeah”. Parents sometimes experience this when they are correcting their teenager. The teenager rolls the eyes or looks everywhere else except for in the eyes of their parent. All too often this happens. Not only has it happened to us, but we have also done it to others.

We have all been there where someone is pouring their heart out to us and we are genuinely listening, but then something pops in our mind out of no where it seems and we begin to dwell on it. We start carrying on a conversation in our head concerning a situation or circumstance going on in our life forgetting about the conversation we were having with the person across from us. This can all happen in a matter of minutes. This leaves the other person feeling like they are not important and are a burden to us.

I believe we all desire to be genuine listeners and to resist the temptation of carrying on a conversation in our head while talking with someone. The simple fact is there will always be something we can dwell on in our mind while others are talking to us. If we acknowledge this first, we will prepare for its arrival and can deal with it appropriately. It is similar to a nation receiving intel on how and where an enemy is going to attack. Once they have the information they can be prepared for the enemy. In our case the enemy is the very thoughts of our mind.

First off, whether we say it aloud to the individual or simply to ourselves, we must acknowledge the person being very important to us and so therefore we are all ears before them. They are so important they have our full undivided attention. Attention is divided when we are so called listening to them while we are really listening to our head. Full undivided attention is when we are giving both our ears to the person and listening to every word. If we can establish that people are important and we really do care about what they are saying, we will listen better. This is not to say things will still not creep up in our mind, but that brings us to the next step.

We can be all ears for the person we are talking with and still things will pop up in our minds. Sometimes this is triggered by something the person said. Sometimes it is just a worthless thought. No matter what type of thought it is I have to shut it down because I am presently in a conversation with somebody else thinking about what they are saying. I can come back to myself later on. We have the ability to take every single thought captive and that’s what we must do.

Ok, how do we do that? When you find yourself drifting into a conversation in your head, bring it to a halt. In other words stop thinking about it and go back to thinking about what the person is saying. We daydream when we have been dwelling on the thought too long. The “lights are on, but nobody is home” phenomenon sets in because we have given too much time to the thought which crept in our mind. Stop the thought. While yes it is true that God has created our brain to have the awesome ability of thinking on many things at one time, we can only focus on one thing at a time. We can only focus on one thought at a time. If we allow ourselves to dwell on the thought in our mind rather than the conversation at hand, we will be focused on the thought. We have to stop the thought.

Try this exercise. Take a moment and think about where you would like to go on your next vacation. What would you like to do? How much fun would you have? Ok, so you got the dream vacation? Now, what do you have to accomplish at work or home tomorrow? What did you notice took place when you went from thinking about your dream vacation to work or home? What happened in your mind? Did you switch gears from vacation to work? You were so focused on creating that dream vacation and then you easily began focusing on work or home. This exercise is what we must practice when having conversations with people. It will help us to stay focused on what the individual is saying.

The next thing we must do is be a genuine listener. The conversation in our head is a big obstacle to good and quick listening, but if we do not genuinely listen we are no better off. Genuine listening not only involves cutting off the thoughts in our mind and focusing on the person. It involves not interrupting them while they are talking. All too often we jump in with our own experiences and thoughts about what the person is going through or dealing with in the attempt to help them. This is not genuine listening. Genuine listening involves allowing the person to get off their chest what troubles or concerns them without interruption. Many times people are simply looking for someone to listen to them not offer advice or solutions. We are not genuine listening when we are looking for the place where we can interrupt the conversation with our advice and our solution to help the person out. This may be a form of listening, but we are really listening for something we can relate to, have experienced, or have knowledge of in order to tell the person what they should or should not do. This is not genuine listening. Genuine listening is staying within the boundaries of thinking and focusing only on what the person is saying. There are no preconceived ideas or interruptions.

It is easy to go off into la la land and it is easy to interrupt with advice and solutions. It takes practice, practice, more practice, and good effort to be a genuine listener. A genuine listener truly cares about the individual talking to them. Remember, be quick to listen and slow to speak. The gift of listening is one of the best presents we can give to our spouse, children, friend, relative, co-worker, employee, etc. Tune in to what the other person is saying.


Josh Perez is a Personal and Professional Coach helping individuals set and achieve goals, make life changes, overcome procrastination, thought patterns, obstacles; discover life purpose, get out of a rut, and move forward. Visit www.morphcoaching.com for more information about personal and professional coaching.

Asset

Thinking about the Needs of Others

We can be selfish people can’t we? We can get so focused and consumed with “me” that we do not pay any attention to the people around us. I think of a husband who is so wrapped up in his job or business. He works 60 plus hours trying to climb to the top or works hard to make his business successful. If you ask that husband if he loves his family, you will get an emphatic yes with a response like, “That’s why I am working so much” or “I am doing this for them”. The reality is he is not working long hours for his wife and children. The opposite actually is true; he is working long days for himself. I think of times when I saw someone pulled off to the side of the road and did not stop to see if they needed a hand or to make a phone call. I just wanted to get home and shave, get a shower, and relax. I think of the retail salesperson who is more interested in me walking out with a 50” plasma TV for $2,500 than he is about actually spending time to answer questions and give honest answers. I think of the car salesman who just wants to sell his next car that he’ll say anything.

On ABC’s Primetime segment “What Would You Do?” we watch as many men and women walk by individuals in their time of need. We rationalize in our minds that we should not get involved in other people’s business. We allow fear to grip and paralyze us from taking some type of action. No matter what the situation we must use wisdom in dealing with it. However, we can do something can’t we? It is pure selfishness on our part if we see someone being abused in some way or hurting and not do anything about it. We can at least do something.

We can really be selfish. In fact, it is built within us. We have a selfish nature. We do not have to work at it; we are selfish by nature. Like a lion, bear, or shark are killers by nature; we are selfish by nature. If we just act normal, we will usually act selfish. Remember when we were kids? Everything was mine. We would throw some of the worse tantrums if we didn’t get our way. Maybe you have children or grandchildren right now who do these very things. Granted a baby should be selfish, but as we grow up that selfishness does not leave us. So really it is abnormal to be selfless. In other words, it is something that does not come natural. If we desire to do it more, then we must work at it.

How do we become less selfish and become more selfless? The simple answer to that is we think about the needs of others more. We pay more attention to what is going on in the lives of those around us and in our community. People by and large want to do the right thing and are generally good. I believe if more people were selfless it would change the face of our community, state, nation, and the world. Look at it this way, if you were in a desperate situation and needed another person’s assistance, how would it make you feel that somebody came to your rescue? If we want to be treated with respect and dignity, we should treat others the same. If we would like to be helped and cared for in the time of need, we should help and care for others in their time of need. Simply reminding ourselves to do to others what we want done to ourselves is a good start.

We must also rid ourselves of present “selfish” habits and start new ones. If I have the habit of not assisting my wife with the children, laundry, or the dishes then I can start building a new habit today by helping her with those things. If I have never taken the time to sit in the stands and watch my son play football or my daughter’s basketball game then I can change that and begin today to do so. How easy is it to change present habits? It is as easy as doing the opposite of what I have been doing. However, that is the challenge. It is easy to think about doing the opposite of what I have been doing, but actually doing it is the challenge. It is also easy to change a present habit for one day, but can you change it for 30 consecutive days? This is how present habits become a thing of the past.

Believe me, I am not saying that we should not accomplish and fulfill things for ourselves. Although, I am saying there should be a balance. I am also saying there is a better way to have that sense of fulfillment and accomplishment and that is through helping others. How awesome is it to put a smile on someone’s face that just a few moments ago were terribly sad? It makes you feel good inside to give a couple bucks to someone who could use a meal. It feels good to help an elderly person with their groceries. It’s fulfilling to help someone on the side of the road put a spare tire on. I have had the great privilege of visiting third world countries and while the poverty grabs your attention immediately it is so fulfilling to help them with food, medicines, clothes, construction, etc. I personally believe it is more rewarding to be selfless than selfish.

What are some other practical things we can do to meet the needs of others? We can volunteer in many places. We can volunteer at a church. We can volunteer at Habitat for Humanity and help build a home for a needy family. We can serve at the local soup kitchen and help feed the hungry. We can visit neighbors and see if there is something around their house they can use a hand with. We can volunteer at an abused women’s shelter or homeless shelter. We can get involved in charitable events that help the less fortunate. We can financially support organizations that are making a good difference in our community. With minimal thought we can think of many ways to help others.

What opportunities to help and serve others have you missed? How can you change that and take full advantage of those opportunities? What new habits do you desire to start? Write them down and begin practicing them today. Start with your family. How can you show your spouse and children you love them? Write down ways you can show love through action to your family. What volunteer opportunities are available in your community? Research and write down places where you can volunteer. Make plans to visit those places this week. Who can you lend a helping hand to in your neighborhood or at work? A true asset in this world is the individual who cares for the needs of others more than they do their own. It is very fulfilling and gives a great sense of accomplishment. It truly is better to give than to receive.


Josh Perez is a Personal and Professional Coach helping individuals set and achieve goals, make life changes, overcome procrastination, thought patterns, obstacles; discover life purpose, get out of a rut, and move forward. Visit www.morphcoaching.com for more information about personal and professional coaching.

Monotone

Recasting Vision For Your Life

Who do you think of when you picture someone talking in monotone? I personally think of Ben Stein who did the Clear Eyes commercials a few years back. His voice remained at the same tone throughout the commercial. He did not show any excitement whatsoever in the product he was selling. He was just straightforward, to the point, and the commercial was over. Many people would probably describe him as boring. Now, I realize that is exactly what they wanted to accomplish in this commercial for whatever reason. However, the reality is that many people live their real lives this way. Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh was another one that talked in monotone and was not really excited about life. He made statements like, "When someone says, 'How do you do, just say that you didn't'" or "There are those who will wish you good morning. If it is a good morning, which I doubt", and even "And how are you?" said Winnie-the-Pooh. Eeyore shook his head from side to side. "Not very how," he said. "I don't seem to felt at all how for a long time." Eeyore could usually find something in anything to be disgruntled about.

What about you? How excited are you about life, career, marriage, relationships, finances, economy, religion, etc? We can hear so much negative from the news and radio stations that we get sucked up into it thinking our life and life itself is just plain old negative. It is amazing to me how human nature magnifies the negative so much. Something terrible happens in the United States and we have to broadcast it on every station for a whole week. We remember the mistakes, failures, and shortcomings of our spouse more than their strengths and victories. We say stuff like, "Man, it would be great if I got that promotion, but I probably wont". We count ourselves out without even trying.

We must be careful. Lacking in vision is not a good place to be at. What would be the purpose for living if you have no vision? People who have no vision can be angry and grumpy people. They are just mad at the world. Many people who did not have vision commit suicide. Do this exercise after you read it. Close your eyes tightly and answer this question. How awful would it be if you did not have your eyesight any longer? Go ahead and do it now. It is one thing to be born blind, but quite another thing to have your eyesight a good portion of your life and suddenly lose it totally. Some people would lose hope and could not live on any longer. Others would take on the challenge, learn this new way of life, and continue living. The same is true with vision for our life. Yes, there are many things that are negative around the world, but there are also positive things. The key is not to lose hope and continue having vision.

How do I do that? It starts with you becoming excited about life again. Next, what is your vision for your life? In other words, what would you like to see happen in your career or business, your marriage and children, finances, your relationship with God, friendships, your attitude, behavior, and lifestyle? Write that vision down. Write down exactly what you want to accomplish. Write down your goals for every area of your life you desire to work on. Do not speak in general terms about your goals; you must be specific. You can first write them down in general terms, but you must rewrite them afterwards in specific terms. In other words, having a better marriage or attitude is the general goal. Now, be more specific about what a better marriage or attitude looks like. How do you define your marriage being better? How do you define your attitude being better? What exactly do you need to do in order to achieve better? For more on how to set specific goals you can read my article Concrete Resolutions.

After you write the vision down you have to get it into your heart. Don't just write it down, place it in a folder, and put it away. Keep it before you all the time. Place it in different visible places so you can see it over and over. Some good places might be the refrigerator door, bathroom mirror, office, computer monitor, etc. You will get in down in your heart and become excited about it when you are constantly seeing and visualizing it. Visualize how good life will be once you accomplish that goal and fulfill that dream. Only those who have vision can really visualize.

Lastly, you need to share your vision with anyone and everyone. Share it with family, friends, co-workers, and church members. Some people may discourage you, but others will encourage you in this dream you have for yourself. It is also a form of accountability when you share your vision with others. They will ask how far along are you or how is it going? Another thing, on this road of accomplishing your goals people will come along side you who can help. They may help you with simple words of affirmation and encouragement. They may help with resources, instruction, and training. People cannot help if they do not know what you need help with. The fact of the matter is we all need help. It was never designed by God for us to do things by ourselves with no help from anyone. We need each other to fulfill the goals, dreams, and vision we have for our lives.

Monotone is boring and lacks excitement. Get your bullhorn out and begin to broadcast your vision. Don't allow anything or anyone to stop you. Aside from transferring the vision from your head to your heart; you have it written down so you can go back to it when life hits you with temporary setbacks or when people share discouraging words. Continue in the excitement and let the vision for your life be your motivation as well as people and life saying you cannot do it.

Tagged

I remember growing up we use to play a game called "tag". I am sure you remember playing this game with the neighborhood kids. One or more kids would count to 10 and then chase other kids to tag them and they would be what we called "it". The kids who were tagged were the next ones to count, chase, and tag kids. A couple other things I think of when I think about the word "tagged" is when graffiti artist tagged walls with spray paint or when people get tagged with a tatoo somewhere on their body.

There is another form of being tagged that can really have an impact on a person's life and many times they do not even know it. We all get tagged with words some good and some not so good. Words can have a profound impact on someone's life. Profound, because words mold and shape us into the very thing spoken about or to us and can last a lifetime. Have you ever heard statements like these before? "You will never amount to anything." "You are a nobody." "You can't do anything right." "You are so stupid." "You were an acident." "Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?" "You're just no good." "You are never going to succeed in life." "You can't accomplish that." Have these judgments or others like these ever been spoken over you? How have they shaped your life? What limitations do you place on yourself because of statements like these? What will you do about judgments family, friends, co-workers, and others have made?

In the game of tag you can avoid being tagged by running faster than the person chasing you to tag you. Grafitti can be removed from walls by being painted over. Not too long ago it was discovered that tatoos can be removed with laser treatment. Words, statements, and judgments can also be removed from a person's life.

It is not a matter of if we will be tagged with words, but when we will be tagged. The next time someone tags you what are you going to do about it? How are you going to combat the negative statement verbalized to you? Well, you can get into a fist fight with the person or tell them off, but those are probably not good solutions. However, you can correct the individual by telling them their statement is not true. Yet, the issue is not so much about the person who spoke as it is about the one hearing it. What will you do with it when you hear it?

If there is some truth to the statement, use it as motivation rather than getting discouraged by it. We have all done some stupid things, but that does not make us stupid. We have all failed in certain ways, but that does not mean we are a failure. Don't allow words to saturate and penetrate you. You cannot control what people say about or to you, but you can control what kind of impact it has on you. There are so many people marked up with negative and abusive words just like the person who has tatoos all over their body. You do not have to allow these types of words to place their mark on you and define you. You have the power to cause them to have little to no impact on your life rather than a huge impact on your life. Next time there is negative talk directed at you, reverse it and make it positive. You can also refuse it by telling yourself "that is not who I am".

Lastly, you can meditate or think on other things. Don't dwell on what is wrong, negative, or bad in your life. Instead, reflect on those things which are good, positive, pure, just, true, right, honorable, and commendable. A word spoken can only have as much impact in your life as you allow. Bring the wrong statement to a halt after you have heard it and think on something else. You have then caused the negative speech to die. It is when we dwell on the negative things long enough that we begin to believe them. The same is true if we consider and reflect on positive things. You are what you think.

A personal and professional coach may be right for you. Coaching can help you set and achieve goals, make life changes, overcome procrastination, thought patterns, obstacles; discover your life purpose, get out of a rut, and move forward. Visit www.morphcoaching.com today.

Concrete Resolutions

January is usually the month when people make resolutions for the new year they are about to embark on. We review and take account of what was done the previous year and what was not done; what we did accomplish or not accomplish. I believe it is absolutely a good thing to examine and take inventory of our life to see where we are, where we are going, and where we have been. There are things we will find that we do not like and things going on in our life that we do like.

However, I don't know that we should wait a whole year before we review our life. We should take inventory every couple of months. This will help us to stay aligned with goals we have set for ourselves. The review will show us how much or how little we have accomplished. It also gives us the opportunity to change and expand our goals. If we review our lives on a more consistent basis, we are more likely to remember the goals we have set and we will press on in achieving them.

Another thing I encourage people to do is to write down their goals. Let's face it, life happens and things we did not expect to take place sometimes do. Life is full of surprises. We can get so caught up with life happenning and get discouraged to the point we forget our goals and they soon become a thing of the past. Before we know it another year has gone by and we still have the same goals to accomplish that we have had for the past 3 years. How might you change that this year?

One of the reasons people do not succeed in their New Year's resolutions is that their goals are not concrete. We often speak in general terms. We say stuff like, "I want to look better", "I need to lose some weight", "I want to feel better about myself", "I want to have a better marriage", "I'd like to make more money", "I want to be a better person", and the general list goes on and on. We must get more specific about what "better" and "more" means. How much more and how much better would you be satisfied with? Our goals will usually start out in general terms, but then we must make them solid. We must attach arms and legs to them. How do we accomplish that? Simple, just be more specific about what it is you truly want. What do you really want to see happen with your marriage, relationship, friendships, finances, career, attitude, lifestyle, etc? What specificly is your heart revealing to you to change about any aspect of your life? Make your goal(s) as specific as you can. Be specific about what exactly you want, when you want to accomplish it, and how you will accomplish it.

For example, your general goal might be to lose some weight. How much weight would you be satisfied losing? When would you like to have that weight off? Remember, be specific, but also realistic. Now, a concrete goal for losing weight might look something like this. "My goal is to lose 50 lbs. in 6 months through exercise and a reformed eating regiment." Another example, your general goal might be to build a better marriage this year. What is "better" to you? That can mean communicating more, more romance, not yelling or fighting, respecting eachother, and the list can go on and on. Having a better marriage to you means something different for your friend desiring to create a better marriage. A concrete goal for a better marriage might look something like this. "My goal is to build a deeper intimate relationship with my wife by sitting down with her after work and listening to her share with me about her day 3 times a week for the entire year."

You can see why it is important to write your goals down. Specificity takes details and many times we do not remember details. Usually, we remember the general goal. Also, if you do not write it down, how will you know if and when you have accomplished the goal. A true concrete goal is one that is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-specific. This is how you can tell a concrete goal from a general goal. Take your time and think about what goals you long to achieve this year. Write them down in general terms first. Then, write down exactly what you desire to accomplish and by when. You will be excited about the action plan you have come up with and you will have placed yourself on a good foundation of successfully accomplishing your resolutions for this year.


A personal and professional coach may be right for you. Coaching can help you set and achieve goals, make life changes, overcome procrastination and obstacles, find your life purpose, get out of a rut, and move forward. Visit http://www.morphcoaching.com/ today.

What Do You Want?

What do you want to see happen in your life? Do you desire to be married? Would you like to go to college? Do you want to make more money? Would you like to have children? Do you want to make a career change? What do you want?

You need to answer that very simple, but complex question. It is a simple question to ask yourself, but it is complex in that the answer may not be as easy. The answer to that question may take some time and thought. It may take looking back at your life to see where you have been. You may need to look at what you are doing now and if you are being fulfilled. This is not a question to answer too quickly; it can cost you if you do and I am not just talking finances either.

After you have answered this question, it leads into another you must answer. Are you willing to put the necessary effort forth to get where you envision yourself being? Have you counted the cost? What will it cost you financially, relationally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually? Are you willing to pay the price to get to your desired destination? It is never an easy road. There will be challenges, surprises, and temptations. The challenges you may face probably will cause you to think it is just too hard to continue, so you might as well throw in the towel. The surprises may frustrate you to the point you want to scream. The temptation to cut corners may constantly confront you to the end that you give into it. Are you willing to work hard and work through to go where you want to be?

The diligent count the cost beforehand and move full steam ahead. The slacker does not and so he/she tries to find easier ways to get where they want to be. Don't be discouraged at the long road in front of you. The end goal may be far away, but enjoy the journey and celebrate the mini goals or steps achieved as you keep moving toward the end goal. Use these small victories to motivate you to keep going. When you have some victories under your belt, look back and see how far you have come. You can have what you dream of having in life if you go about it properly. Pursue what you want!

Hiring a life coach may be right for you. Coaching can help you set and achieve goals, make life changes, overcome procrastination and obstacles, find your life purpose, get out of a rut, and move forward. Visit http://www.morphcoaching.com/.